Ok – you’ve taken an initial nosy through my website (or maybe, like me – you prefer a more scatter gun approach and have landed here randomly) and I talk about ‘having it all’ and ‘having YOUR all’ quite a bit…
Whether I’m putting more ‘meat onto the bones’ for you, or this is more of an introduction; if you’re considering partnering with me, it’s really important that you understand what I mean by this as it’s a key part of the Kindness For Success philosophy.
Before we get to that, we first need to visit the notion of “you can have it all!”. Now, I could really ‘geek out’ here with the various opinions of when, how and by whom this idea (ideology?!) came to fruition, though I’ll do my best to stick to the ‘tops of the trees’ and if anyone is interested to know more, I recommend taking a read of an article from The New York Times The Complicated Origins of Having It All.
Rightly or wrongly, over time, this idea moved from being “empowering to delusional” and “women ask about having it all because they were told they could… by women like Gloria Steinem”. Ok – I am actually in danger of taking you down the rabbit warren I promised I’d steer clear of but one last thing (promise!) before I go on; her book entitled “Having It All: Love, Success, Sex, Money . . . Even if You’re Starting With Nothing,” wasn’t published (1982) under the title she wanted one and history has it that she wrote a letter begging her editors not to use this title.
ANYWAY – it’s difficult to argue that our relationship to “you can have it all” is anything other than complicated. If you’ve read this far, you may be wondering what this phrase means or ‘brings up’ for me.
When I visualise this notion, it – rightly or wrongly (remember there is no ‘definition’ hence it’s complexity), brings to mind a very strong – pretty old fashioned ‘movie reel’ looking something like this….
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Picture this - a perfectly presented woman – tidy, neat hair, well applied make-up, and rocking the ‘fashion’ of the moment (in a very much “I-just-threw-this-together” type vibe).
She’s in the kitchen, on her phone, delegating to her team whilst stirring something organically sumptuous on the ‘top of the range’ oven (she doesn’t need any home help – remember, she can ‘have it all’). The fridge is stocked with fresh, healthy foods, the 3 children 12, 8 and 6 are all occupied – either with their homework or playing a competition– yet fair – game of football on their sprawling lawn.
Their home, the biggest in their very much sought after ‘crescent’ is immaculately presented yet our protagonist manages not to be at all precious when entertaining / the children have play dates etc – as long as everyone is having fun, that’s all that matters!
Before long, her (handsome) husband walks in, they embrace in a passionate (yet child appropriate) embrace and he compliments her on both her outfit as well as the smells coming from the kitchen and ruffles their youngest’s hair as he goes to change.
After a quick change (think Lulu Lemon) into her gym attire, and filling her husband in on the pitch her team won that morning, she waves goodbye to her family and joins a couple of her closest friends for a spin session. After the session she stays behind to chair a VC with some big wigs on a more westerly time zone (she had time to de-sweat before hand) and gets approval for the projects that’s she’s been working on for months.
Next comes a further swift change, she meets a different set of friends, this time mums from the school to support in planning the next school fair. She has a couple of glasses of wine and some delicious tapas though doesn’t go overboard as she has excellent will power and doesn’t like to feel out of control.
Arriving home, it’s around 10.30pm – the kitchen is clean and tidy, the kids are in bed and her husband has run her a bubble bath and put on her favourite podcast. Just before she hops in, she defrosts the homemade cakes she baked at the weekend for tomorrow’s cake sale.
Whilst enjoying her bath, she also manages to answer the 346 what’s app messages that have come in over the course of the day, order 2 x personised gifts for upcoming parties, arranged a card to be sent to her father in law for his birthday AND arranged for a plumber to come and look at that issue that’s arisen with their pools self-cleaning functionality.
Stepping into bed (soft linen ‘sexy yet tasteful’ pjs, fully moisturised, 2 step face cleansed, exfoliated etc.) she nips onto her laptop to review her diary for the following day. She picks up her book (at the same time her husband gives her a knowing ‘wink’) and the day is complete (I’ll leave you to envision your preferred ending to this particular narrative).
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What do we think of my protagonist? Annoying yes? I forgot to mention that she is also SO LOVELY. The kind of woman who is always there to help out and genuinely cares ab out everyone and everything around her.
Ok – Now how do you feel?
I feel exhausted and as though I’m failing on everything in comparison!
Of course, this is just a little bit of fun ‘fiction’ (thanks for indulging me!) and for some, this may be a picture of ‘having it all’ for others it may be your idea of hell. For me, if this is what a typical day holds (and remember the above only starts from early evening!) then it is neither sustainable nor enjoyable. Also – we don’t know how she’s feeling, we don’t know if she:
A) Cried in the bathroom at work,
B) Binged on a whole bar of Tonys Chocolonely,
C) Used her ‘non writing hand’ to complete her child's over due homework or
D) Any of the other things that may be warning signs of the toll trying to live up to this ‘having it all’ may take*
If we were to bring to bring my protagonist to life and ask her how much of how she’s living her life, she does because she loves to or whether because she feels she should / has to / expected to – then who knows.
How YOU can turn the tide for you
Whilst I think I’ve made it quite clear that I don’t by into the ‘you can have it all’, I believe that it is possible to have YOUR all.
A life in which you live YOUR all, what’s important to you, at that time of life, during that set of circumstances. A life in which you feel fulfilled, balanced and successful – successful against what success means to YOU versus against someone else idea of success or some ideology back from when we were ourselves in the womb.
Having tried (and failed) to ‘have it all’ over the past decade, I have turned my own experiences, backed with over 15years within the corporate development world to supporting working mums to explore, define and LIVE their all.
I am passionate about encouraging more working women to live their lives in a way that they aren’t merely ‘surviving’ (whilst beating themselves up along the way with their negative self-talk) and through an open, safe, coaching partnership I empower them to shift to a space in which they are thriving – for them, for their family, for their friends.
What are waiting for? Extend yourself some Kindness and book a complimentary 60 minute ‘Kindness Kickstarter’ with me.
*NB: yes- I have personally done all of these things (on at least one occasion!)
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