Advice to My Younger Self

Last week, I was challenged to share some advice I would give to my younger self. I'm not going to lie, initially my thought was 'urggh' as if I haven't got enough 'content' I want to get writing!

That said, when I put pen to paper (actually - I reflected on it during a run, you know that's where I do my best thinking!) I found this really useful in terms of feeling proud of myself as well as highlighting that I am more resilient than perhaps I give myself credit for!

Here are some of my top ones...

🎁 Don't let a bully wear your new leotard to keep them happy.

Now this wasn't just ANY leotard - this was a brand new, Children's World (remember that place?!) special complete with a neon yellow block down one side and a neon pink block down the other - my mum bought it for me as a surprise when I started a term of gymnastics in primary school, I can picture it perfectly, I LOVED it.

The 'friend' who asked to wear it, didn't in fact ask, it was more of a demand. In return I go to wear her washed out (also unwashed) plain black boring leotard. I vividly recall another child saying to me "ewwww you smell like bums". As an adult, I now realise that this 'friend' (and bully) of mine was neglected in a number of ways and I feel a strong sense of empathy for her.

As a 7 year old however, I just remember feeling shame and also sadness as when my mum asked if I enjoyed wearing my new leotard, I lied to her. I'm not sure why I didn't tell her the truth about what happened, perhaps I was embarrassed. It would be a year or two of allowing more 'subtle' bullying before I spoke up.

Standing up for myself was something that didn't come naturally to me, and was something I would need to learn.

To that 7 year old Kim, I would say, believe in you, be kind to you and as much as it may feel like the only way, I had to learn. It's crucial to establish boundaries and not let enabling others to take advantage of you is never the answer.

🎁 It's okay to have other friends, even if someone says otherwise.

It may not surprise you to learn that the individual in question that didn't 'allow' me to have other friends was the same individual in leotardgate.... that said, she (and it's always been females) wasn't the only one I experienced this form of 'control' with.

Over the years, I’ve come to understand the importance of healthy relationships and the difference between those that are not healthy. As a child, it's tough as we want to be liked, we want the popular kids to know our names and at times, just want to melt into the background without a drama.

It took me a while to realise that expanding my friendship circle was a good (and natural_ thing and, with real friends, it doesn't mean that you are 'less friends' with them because you make other ones.

With that, came the other, tougher learning, the practice of feeling courageous and bold enough to distance myself from more unhelpful and often toxic relationships.

True friends will always support and respect your choices.

🎁 It was okay to be scared during your constant crying, avoiding friends, and fearing work.

I'd never experienced any mental health challenges so when I was in my early 20'sm in a great job, in a relatively ne and exciting relationship, living my best life in a swanky flat in London with my sister and more disposal income than I'll probably ever have - it was a huge shock when anxiety hit me like a freight train.

I didn't know what was happening to me but in what felt like 'over night' I went from being a bubbly, outgoing positive person to a mere shell of myself.

Through unwavering support of my boyfriend (and now amazing husband!), friends therapy, medication and a shed load of personal reflection and growth, I learned to manage my anxiety and it's no longer something I see as an 'issue' and like to be as open about it as possible in case it helps even just one other person believe that they can seek the support and help that they deserve.

Whilst they are far less and far less 'debilitating' than years back, I still experience times when my anxiety flares up (I call them my 'wobbles') I am now much more equipped to swot the signs early on, vocalise this with my nearest and dearest and put the accelerator on those things that I now help me - running, time at home and bucket lots of self kindness.

🎁 What happened that night was NOT your fault.

After a few drinks with work colleagues in a summer between my degree and starting my PGCE, I caught the train home to my flat in Bolton. To be fair it was quite late and I was planning on taking a taxi. Alas, there were none - and for any northerners reading this you know full well how bloody BALTIC March time can feel (especially for us delicate southerners!).

So I took the decision to walk hone - my flat wasn't far and I'd stick to the main route.

Well - little did I know that there was someone out there looking for a woman to prey on. Before I knew it, a car came alongside me, pointed what was meant to look like a gun at me telling me to get into the car. Having shortly been released from prison for sexual assaults, I can't actually bear to think about what 'could have been'.

Fortunately for me, the end of the tale saw said individual back in prison. Not a great memory, made even harder by the insinuations cast by the defendants lawyers around; time of night (or as it was early hours was it my fault?), how many drinks I'd had or what I was wearing (so if it hadn't been a roll neck and jeans but instead a skirt and cropped top - would that have made a difference?). I felt shame.

Over time I've realised that the actions of others are not a reflection of our worth. Whilst this isn't a happy memory, it's, like or not, a core one and I give my 22 year old self a massive hug recalling this. It wasn't your fault.

🎁 You will survive your first heartbreak, and the second, and the third.

I swear I was convinced that I was the first person EVER to experience true heartache - no one else could POSSIBLY understand what 16 year old me was feeling!

Ok, heartbreak is never easy, but I now realise that it’s a part of growing up. Each experience taught me valuable lessons about love and resilience. And eventually, I found the one who truly understands and loves me.

🎁 Life rarely goes according to plan.

The unexpected twists and turns are what shape us - I'm certain that anyone reading this will have had their fair share!

For me training to be a teacher after having wanting to be one for YEARS was one such twist; I realised it wasn’t for me (and huge hats off to all teachers out there) leading me down a different path that saw 6 months travelling the world with two of my best friends and memories that will last a life time.

Experiencing the pain of miscarriage, twice, between our son and our daughter - whilst it took some time for him to come along, my body 'knew' what to do, so what was it playing at now? On both occasions I told no one and carried on (even when the second was at work!) which I still can't understand.

More recently, my parents divorcing after 40+ years of marriage was another unexpected turn, compounded by mums breast cancer (thankfully it was treatable and she is all clear) which, coinciding with lockdown, taught me more about myself, my resilience, my support network and my strength of character than perhaps anything else.

As they say, change is a constant and a part of life that shapes us to be the unique individuals we are. Here's to celebrating the rough with the smooth and to extending ourselves kindness along the way.

What lessons would you share with your younger self? I'd love to hear x